Blue. River. Apple.

Today’s journey: 
     Develop courage, 
     Splash on a smile, 
     Be who I want to be, 
     Not afraid of who I am becoming. 

To awake at night, fearful of forgetting 
Important and precious things like …
People. Dates. Times. Appointments. 
I am not in control. Please help me, God. 

Thoughts jumble, words d i s a p p e a r. 
Times mix up, promises go astray. 
When I hear, “Where are you?” “Are you coming?” 
Eyes water, stomach churns, humbled in disbelief. 
I know I have done it again! 

Do I stay home, cancel, quit? 
Or fight for rite of passage through the fog? 
Silently, I say, I am not what I appear. 
I am sorry for what you see. 

     Breathe in courage, 
     Splash on a smile, 
     Struggle to remember …
     I must find pieces of myself and revel in who I know I am. 
     Chin up, treading lightly in new uncharted waters. 

At times, I catch sideways glances, back and forth. 
Perhaps, even, your voice impatient. I understand. 
But, wait, we stand together, separate. 
Can you hear me? I have so much to tell you. 

I try to mask the imperfections. 
A dab of foundation, a blush of pink. 
Dressed in clothes, jewelry, and resolve 
Daily, though, I have to make sense of where I am. 

On the sliding scale of … Blue. River. Apple. 
     I want to be Positive. 
     I am Productive. 
     I am Loving and Beloved. 
     I am Grateful, Creative, Alive. 
     Therefore … 
     I am blessed with a voice to tell my inner story. 

Blue. River. Apple. 

Nancy Nelson is a member of the patient advisory council at Cleveland Clinic Lou Ruvo Center for Brain Health in Las Vegas, co-host of the virtual series “Dementia Conversations with Nancy and Kat” and author of three books of poetry. “Blue. River. Apple.” was inspired by three words that she, when asked, could only partially recall during a memory assessment when she was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer’s disease (later revised to mild cognitive impairment)